yesterday was one of those days where I was just kind of in a mood. raking leaves gave me a full blown allergy attack. then I took a nap that left me feeling worse, not better. I was fussy & it was one of those days when I just wanted someone to make me feel better.
that happens more often than you would think. I’m in a bad mood or someone hurts my feelings or I do something wrong at work… & I’m off looking for someone to make me feel better, to say something nice. someone to have coffee with. someone to love me. & sometimes it works. but most times, even after good talks & lunch dates & encouraging text messages, that desperate little place in the back of my brain gets bigger, not smaller. because, let’s face it: lots of times other people just don’t satisfy us the way we want them too. I have wonderful, kind family & friends… but many times even their best attempts at love & comfort leave me feeling empty, searching for God knows what.
a little while ago I wrote about being loved by God. & if accepting even his perfect love is hard, then man… loving & being loved by deeply imperfect humans is even more frustrating. you try to love other people but you don’t know if it’s working and despite your best efforts.. they probably don’t always feel loved by you. and you definitely don’t always feel loved by them.
by my bed there’s a rumpled purple post it note with some words from a donald miller book. it says, “we’re not going to get the kind of love we really need from each other. we’re going to get it from God, in heaven.” that statement made me kind of upset the first time I read it. I’m an idealist & I don’t like the idea of incompletion. but as time has worn on, this idea has gotten down inside my skin. when I let go of the idea that I can receive ultimately satisfying love down here from other humans, it frees me to take joy & pleasure in the love that I do share with my family & friends, instead of gaming & calculating & forever being disappointed.
& I know this for sure: when I dwell in the unconditional, glorious love of God–even if only through a glass, darkly–the places where humans leave me feeling empty become less devastating. & I know this too: although it’s sometimes unsatisfying & frustrating–my family & my friends & I all love one another deeply. our love is imperfect. but it is good. it’s not enough. but maybe it’s not supposed to be.